Alexander's journal
by delos13
Summary: One day from the life of Alexander. In his own words. Please be considerate, it wasn't his brightest moment...


Warnings: some common foul language and mild sexual innuendos.

Disclaimer: this short story is a fruit of my imagination. Special thanks to Plutarch and Homer.

A/N: the entry below written as a celebration challenge of Yahoo community "Alexandersarmy" move to a new home on Live Journal. It was supposed to be an entry in Alexander's journal from any period of the campaign.

Readers' comments are truly appreciated and valued. Thank you.

o o o o o

According to Plutarch, after Alexander killed Black Cleitos, Anaxarchus, one of the philosophers that accompanied Macedonian Army, soothed his conscience by saying, "Here is Alexander, to whom the whole world is now looking; but he lies on the floor weeping like a slave, in fear of the law and the censure of men, unto whom he himself should be a law and a measure of justice, since he has conquered the right to rule and mastery, instead of submitting like a slave to the mastery of a vain opinion. Knowest thou not that Zeus had Justice and Law seated beside him, in order that everything that is done by the master of the world may be lawful and just?" (Plutarch, "The parallel lives", Life of Alexander, 52, 5-7).

It was a very public display of moralization. Later in private, Anaxarchus said to the king, "You Majesty, you have to control your rages or more people whom you dearly love may get hurt. Why don't you start a private journal where you record your thoughts? You don't have to show it to anybody but if you pour your anger on the scrolls of papyrus, nothing will be left inside you and people around you will be safe."

Alexander, of course, only scoffed and completely disregarded philosopher's advice… until the moment when he publicly humiliated Hephaistion by saying that he was nothing without him. Horrified by what he did, the king hastily retired to his tent and frantically looked for a clean scroll of papyrus. Finding one, he grabbed it and started to write.

"Sing, goddess, the anger of Philip's son Alexander

and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon his beloved Hephaistion….

Fuck, fuck, fuck, what I was thinking…" untranslatable barrack Macedonian follows.

"Why did everybody run to console Hephaistion or celebrate with Craterus but nobody is here with me?"

Half an hour later…

"Ptolemy came to disperse some brotherly advice. I told him if he hints at our supposed blood relationship one more time, I am going to exile him somewhere far, maybe to Egypt. He left, horrified. I am very proud of myself, I didn't hit him even once."

One hour later…

"Went to visit Roxana. It was a complete waste of time. Of all the days in the month, she decided to have her period now?"

Half an hour later…

"Read the letter from mother that I left unopened for a couple of days. Why is she accusing me of not taking a proper care of Hephaistion? Where did she hear all those weird rumours? Her letters were far more pleasant when she stuck to the task of accusing Antipater."

One hour later….

"Called for Bagoas to comfort me. I never noticed before that he misses some teeth in his mouth. His hands, actually, unpleasantly sweaty and he has this disgusting manner of overindulging in perfumes. I sent him away, I can't stand him anymore. I don't know what I saw in him all these years. King Darius had an awful taste in men."

Half an hour later…

"They brought me food. It was cold and tasteless. How did my cooks manage to achieve it when it's scorching hot outside and the Indian food is always so spicy? I ate it anyway. Bananas for desert were good by why they had to peel and cut it?"

10 minutes later…

"Should I send for Hephaistion or should I go to see him myself?"

10 minutes later…

"Still undecided about Hephaistion. Asked for some unpeeled bananas and carrots. Maybe I should send a gift basket of those to Hephaistion as well?"

10 minutes later…

"I wonder what their quarrel was about anyway?"

10 minutes later…

"This writing absolutely doesn't help. I am going for a stroll."

One hour later….

"Walking didn't help either. Everyone wants something from me. Didn't they know that I have a secretary who supposed to deal with all the crap? How come he has time to complain to me about Hephaistion but whines that there is not enough time in a day to perform his duties?"

Half an hour later…

"Called for Eumenus anyway. There is no point to procrastinate, I have to answer all those letters and petitions. Apparently, he was the first one to run after Hephaistion and bring him my apologies. Who said I owe apologies to anybody? Well, may be to Hephaistion…. But I would never choose Eumenus as my messenger. Hephaistion might have thought me completely deranged. Maybe I have to send for Hephaistion anyway."

10 minutes later…

"Still undecided about Hephaistion. Doesn't he feel that I need him?"

Half an hour later…

"Called for Aristander the Seer. He usually can conjure very cheerful omens and predictions. His visit was a grave disappointment. He mumbled something about Aphrodite's anger. Aphrodite-Shmaphrodite, what does she know about true love anyway?"

10 minutes later…

"Why doesn't anybody in this camp have enough brain to send for Hephaistion on my behalf? I have to do everything myself, it's impossible to rely on anybody! What are they going to do without me after my death when I'm going to feast happily ever after in Elysium Fields with Hephaistion? Decided to drink some strong poppy seed concoction. May be a solution will come to me in sleep."

Some hours later…

"Had a wet dream about Hephaistion. Actually, several of those. Why did he have to beat me senseless and rape in each of my dreams? And everybody tells me that I have an anger management problem!

Well, now I can demand him to come here and explain his unacceptable behaviour towards his king in person. Actually, I'd better pay him an unexpected visit myself, so that he won't have time to come up with some clever excuse. Besides, his bed is far more comfortable to …. attend to the urgent matters of state."


End file.
